Products I Love

Hair

• Moraccanoil - post wash/condition treatment. Yes, it's expensive, but I've used daily for the last 4 months (about a nickel size) at least and the bottle is still 1/3 full. It seems to actually change the hair.
• Aveda's Rosemary Mint Shampoo and Conditioner. Nice and mild and doesn't irritate my scalp.
• Neutrogena's Deep Conditioner - 1 minute for deep conditioning! Noticeable improvement.
• Fresh's Buffy the Backside Slayer soap - I use it as post body wash while in the shower to help fight tight, dry skin. In the summer, it keeps the toes and heels looking great.
• Shea Moisture's Volumizing Shampoo and conditioner. Doesn't dry the hair, gentle on the scalp, adds smoothness, shine, and over all health. No "stripped" or dry feeling after.
• Aveda's Face Wash - effective make up remover but doesn't over dry or irritate.

Consistency

Wonder if I prefer and highly desire consistency in others and life in general because I am personally so very inconsistent and sometimes, shamefully, unconstant.

Lips

I used to be terribly self-conscience about my lips while growing up. I don't have a great memory, but I can recall fairly well the day that I became aware of my big lips.

I was younger and appreciating a variety of physiognomies had yet to hit the fashion industry. One morning, my mother asked me with a little horror in her voice (as I recall) if something was wrong with my mouth? I didn't think so but went to look. My sister replied for me that that's how my lips were. Big. Swollen. Supersized.

From that moment until "ethnic" beauty became part of the mainstream, I was dreadfully and constantly aware of my big, fat lips. Of course, big and fat now equates to full. And now it's my belly that's become big and fat. I feel fairly confident that I can reliably predict that that particular fullness will never be appreciated as beautiful in our times and society.

Realization of a PPCoD

I realized in a terrifically clear moment, that being the people-pleasing, co-dependant that I am, I have few honest relationships.

Overly concerned - and sometimes terrified - of others' feelings and perceptions, I'm on constant edit. Which might explain why I don't have many deep and lasting friendships and why socializing is usually not relaxing for me. And might also explain why I prefer my husband's company to all others. It dawned on me that he's the sole person where I feel completely relaxed. For good or bad, I am not on constant alert to monitor his nonverbals for how he's responding to me. I am not staying up at night mulling over how he's perceiving our day's interactions. And I am not worried if I've hurt his feelings and therefore our relationship. I can say anything to him - and again for good or ill - have said most everything to him. There's no filter. I'm very fortunate that we like one another and that he tolerates filterless me.

The World at Large gets filtered me. I think it's part of being co-dependent ... I like to have control and maybe if I say this or tilt my head that way or laugh at the right time, I can control others' perception of me and trick them into liking me.

It's not a fun realization to have in one's late 30's. Hopefully, I'll relax a bit more and filter myself to be politely honest.

name that blog

Oh the pressure of naming this blog. The original title was "Just A Little More Please". I deleted it when I realized that it was too similar to my friends blog, "Just Another Mama Blog" ... "Just a..." too close. Other titles I considered made me sound negative (which I am), self-deprecating (which I am but in a completely immodest way), and unoriginal (which I also am). They all reflected me, but only in part.

To help sum up those parts, I thought "aka Jan" was rather clever. To most, I'm known as So Yung. But I'm also known as Jan. My mother and siblings and those who knew me before High School all know me as Jan. I changed schools for grades 9 - 12 and decided in my wisdom that it was time to use my middle name to reflect this new beginning. (and wanted to be "cooler"; thought it would help using my less plain, middle name.) Now as a nearly 40-year-old, I have a new appreciation for my first name. It's simple, it's unpretentious, it's gender neutral. Mainly though, I like it because it's uncomplicated. No one misspells Jan. Or mispronounces it.

(Okay, the above is only partially true; it's not uncommon for new people to ask after I've given my first name: "Jane?" Me: "No, J-aaaa-n." Them: "Oh, J-aaaa-n. Is that short for Janice or Janet?" Me: "No.")

You may know me as this; hopefully this blog will reveal other AKAs - to myself as well as to others.