Consistency

Wonder if I prefer and highly desire consistency in others and life in general because I am personally so very inconsistent and sometimes, shamefully, unconstant.

Lips

I used to be terribly self-conscience about my lips while growing up. I don't have a great memory, but I can recall fairly well the day that I became aware of my big lips.

I was younger and appreciating a variety of physiognomies had yet to hit the fashion industry. One morning, my mother asked me with a little horror in her voice (as I recall) if something was wrong with my mouth? I didn't think so but went to look. My sister replied for me that that's how my lips were. Big. Swollen. Supersized.

From that moment until "ethnic" beauty became part of the mainstream, I was dreadfully and constantly aware of my big, fat lips. Of course, big and fat now equates to full. And now it's my belly that's become big and fat. I feel fairly confident that I can reliably predict that that particular fullness will never be appreciated as beautiful in our times and society.

Realization of a PPCoD

I realized in a terrifically clear moment, that being the people-pleasing, co-dependant that I am, I have few honest relationships.

Overly concerned - and sometimes terrified - of others' feelings and perceptions, I'm on constant edit. Which might explain why I don't have many deep and lasting friendships and why socializing is usually not relaxing for me. And might also explain why I prefer my husband's company to all others. It dawned on me that he's the sole person where I feel completely relaxed. For good or bad, I am not on constant alert to monitor his nonverbals for how he's responding to me. I am not staying up at night mulling over how he's perceiving our day's interactions. And I am not worried if I've hurt his feelings and therefore our relationship. I can say anything to him - and again for good or ill - have said most everything to him. There's no filter. I'm very fortunate that we like one another and that he tolerates filterless me.

The World at Large gets filtered me. I think it's part of being co-dependent ... I like to have control and maybe if I say this or tilt my head that way or laugh at the right time, I can control others' perception of me and trick them into liking me.

It's not a fun realization to have in one's late 30's. Hopefully, I'll relax a bit more and filter myself to be politely honest.