Overly concerned - and sometimes terrified - of others' feelings and perceptions, I'm on constant edit. Which might explain why I don't have many deep and lasting friendships and why socializing is usually not relaxing for me. And might also explain why I prefer my husband's company to all others. It dawned on me that he's the sole person where I feel completely relaxed. For good or bad, I am not on constant alert to monitor his nonverbals for how he's responding to me. I am not staying up at night mulling over how he's perceiving our day's interactions. And I am not worried if I've hurt his feelings and therefore our relationship. I can say anything to him - and again for good or ill - have said most everything to him. There's no filter. I'm very fortunate that we like one another and that he tolerates filterless me.
The World at Large gets filtered me. I think it's part of being co-dependent ... I like to have control and maybe if I say this or tilt my head that way or laugh at the right time, I can control others' perception of me and trick them into liking me.
It's not a fun realization to have in one's late 30's. Hopefully, I'll relax a bit more and filter myself to be politely honest.
